You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
