Please, let me fuck your mom
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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