im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
