The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
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