just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
