and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
