I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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