I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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