I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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