Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
