hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
