They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
