Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
