I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
