I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
