I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
