my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
