So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
