Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
