White coat. Heels.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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