This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
