matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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