So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
