Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
