mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
