Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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