I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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