Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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