my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
