This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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