Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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