I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
