At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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