I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
