All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
