Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
