i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
