I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
