Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
