At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
