GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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