Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm both gender and math confused
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
