so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He shit in the fireplace
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
