ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
