I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
