Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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