I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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