She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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