Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
