I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
