two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
